ORACLE SPEAKSHow do you solemnise a marriage?
He: What's on telly tonight?
She: Try not to be vulgar, dear. Simply peruse the Radio Times.
Tune a motorbike?
Customer: I bought it to be manly. It sounds like Alka Seltzer.
Mechanic: Larger engine, sir. That will be £3561 plus VAT.
Leave the EU?
Welsh farmer: Can't stand foreigners, boyo. As far away as Basingstoke, look you.
Lib-Dem MP: Add water to this powder, fill a syringe, inject. Then dream.
Hit very high notes (Male singer)?
Vet with pincers: It's a very simple procedure.
Hit very high notes (Female singer)?
Wearied critic: Just screetch, dearie. This is Britain.
Find employment?
Desperate man in three-piece suit: I used to be big in sales admin management.
Man with smartphone: Trawler bound for Libya. Ask for Daesh Recruitment.
Find a book that's not about writers writing about writing?
Stall vendor, outdoor market: Here y'are, mate: Haynes Repair Guide, 1963-74 Ford Zodiac.
Find peace?
Aesthete: I just can't bear it. Any of it.
Financial whizzkid: There's the Thames.
Renew passport?
Panicky voice: Don't try there! Honest! Friend of mine never came out.
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