Extreme old age, post-triple-surgery and a blindspot regarding domestic skills have conspired to prove I cannot - alone - attend to VR, my unwell wife of 65 years. Carers are filling in the gaps.
Virtually all are women, working long long hours for (I suspect) low pay. They are uniformed, brisk, adaptable to the peculiarities of our house and - despite regulations to prevent coercion - expert at getting VR to do what she believes she cannot do. And won't do for me.
Carer: You going out?
RR: Just to pick up The Guardian.
Carer: In that shirt?
RR: Wha...?
Carer: It's not clean.
Meekly I changed the shirt I'd worn for no more than a week. And laughed delightedly all the way to the filling station. VR's the patient and is treated with sympathy. I'm the inefficient dogsbody with impossibly low standards of personal hygiene. But I believe commitment to a cause outweighs politeness.
If you were the patient and VR could still go for a turn outside do you think caregivers - male or female - would be as brusque with her? Also, their manner brings to mind a mother tending a rambunctious boy. “You’re not going out with that shirt on” (for your sake and the sake of the family’s reputation). I suspect you’ve endeared yourself to them - how could you not?
ReplyDeleteI chuckled reading this comment...grins
DeleteMikeM: I'm flattered by "endeared" but I was interested in what caring consisted of and asked lots of questions. Doing so led to absorbing conversation and I learned a lot. Response enthusiasm could be measured by the time it took for these engaging young women to drop "Mr Robinson" and substitute "Roderick."
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that VR is getting carers, and that you are being helped in her care. I have to laugh imagining the carer shaming you into changing your shirt. Sounds like you and VR are both benefiting from this change. "Offensive dogsbody" is a new one for me. I suspect you will both thrive with this new energy. Take it from an Upper Midwest American, politeness is overrated and passive aggressive. Directness and honesty is how the angels communicate.
ReplyDeleteWhoops, this comment is from Colette. I forgot to log in to my blog before searching for Tone Deaf.
DeleteColette: As our marriage has continued (65 years next October) my authority over VR has waned. There are important requirements I am unable to bring about. It is the carers' job to jump in and get this work done. But carers are bound by certain rules: they may not coerce patients into doing things against their will, however important these things are. Ways round these restrictions are the methods by which carers' competence is measured. For instance: never provide unnecessary options. Just do the thing without explanation. I have interviewed a whole flood of carers on this very subject and am on the verge of writing a treatise on it.
ReplyDelete