Some saw Guilt as inexact; how about Grief and its five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance? I tried to fit these states into a mind beset with loneliness. They didn’t work and, in any case, there were caveats; the time-span for each of these five compartments can vary inordinately. Conceivably I was still denying death even though the box containing Veronica’s cremated ashes said otherwise.
So I turned to that part of my consciousness which, for others, is occupied by a religious faith; as Faulkner might have put it: continuing the creation of a wordy contrivance that had never previously existed. Progress was slow, sometimes non-existent. Never say writing is an easy way out. Not so surprising given that when the gates finally opened the view ahead bore very little resemblance to what had been covered in the preceding 80,000 words. Well, as we all know, Saul differs from Paul.
I wondered how Veronica would have reacted. For her entity still exists here and there. At the other side of our king-size bed. In the kitchen where, unlike her, I prepare unimaginative food. On the patio, waiting for something white and chilled. Listening to the Wotan–Brunnhilde dialogue. Squinting at small-type product labels in Tesco. Watching The Wire for the n-ty n-th time. Sighing at the weeds in the gravel garden. Daring to search the sky for the SAS helicopter. Waiting on Stanbrook for the free bus (thanks to the pensioner’s card). Taking a delivery from The Wine Society. Presiding over Beef Wellington at Christmas. New Zealand. Cologne. Birmingham Symphony Hall. Somewhere in France in the Scirocco.
I missed the tiny type at the end on my first pass, and found myself at a loss for words of response. Glanced back. Saw it. Now this: When I imagine my wife going first I think of being tortured by an abundance of memories - each one magnifying my grief. Your take, which I should learn from, supports Rhymin’ Simon’s:
ReplyDelete“Preserve your memories
They’re all that’s left you”
Let’s have the small type symbolize the diminution of our memories.
MikeM: Well-established affection for you inclines me to discourage any consideration of Lore going first. Even worse if it included dementia. Initially my post-mortem thoughts dwelt on physical Veronica, as trigggered by seeing her in death. Two months on, I call up the memories I listed and see them in terms of the unique comtribution she made to those events and situations; see them as facets of a rewarding marriage. But - understand - there are no prescriptions and/or recommendations. We are all different.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, you probably knew, I am a great Simon fan.
I wish I knew some kind words to say that wouldn't annoy you. But I don't. So I will say this - what an extraordinary post. Each snippet of memory you shared was heartfelt. Now I am waiting for the chilled wine, too. I sigh at the weeds. I rewatch the Wire with great pleasure. And then when I'm done, I remember my sincere belief that the world would be a better place if only Paul had remained Saul.
ReplyDeleteColette: I truly appreciate your delicate choice of the verb "annoy", even though it proves - yet again - that I'm an irritable bastard weighed down by the responsibilities of writing original fiction. Most of my commenters, including - alas - the late Avus, just didn't get the hang of it. It started when I made references to my birthday, causing some contributors to write "Many happy returns." and nothing else. Snorting through distended nostrils I used to say I'd prefer nothing to that banal way of discharging the obligation of response.
ReplyDeleteIn fact my anger was unrealistic. Dreaming up an alternative to MHR requires bloody hard work; with me it's less hard because it's what I've done since age 11. But you - Dear Old Faithful - plus MikeM, immediately above, both understand and are prepared to put in the blood, sweat and tears to tickle my fancy. I love you both and am even prepared to misuse that four-letter verb which I've ranted about for many a year.
Pretty clever, hey Mrs Alligator. You created original wit by adapting my own words. And by tweaking the Damascene Moment. Good on yer. Reminding me that I don't read your blog as often as I should and will rectify that failing now.