Another op looms but it’s a subject I’ve overdone. After all, what is an op? A day’s work for the people dressed in blue but for the patient – foolishly imagining he/she is the star of the drama – it’s a period of unconsciousness. Skilled writer I may be but there are limitations on describing being blotted out by chemicals.
But hist! (That’s a first usage in Tone Deaf although there are precedents from that guy who tried to make it big in Stratford-on-Avon.) This time there’s a director’s guidance on improving my performance, the medical equivalent of not bumping into stage furniture or forgetting one’s lines.
“After midnight,” I am told, “you may not… chew gum or sweets.” As if I would, for goodness sake! Sweets – better known, if confusingly, in the USA as candy – are no temptation. What grabs me is savoury stuff, so I’m assuming a Big Mac would be OK.
Gum I wot not of. It holds envelope flaps in place. Occasionally it gets licked. But not usually chewed.
But here’s the twist. “Please bath or shower and wash your hair before coming into hospital.” This is another first but is it specially included for me? Have previous surgeons complained about my personal hygiene once they’ve cut off the bits that have gone bad?
They may have a point. There’s something heroic about going dirty. With me it started in the USA when I learned how long a shower is supposed to last. A veritable eternity! And without the distraction of reading a book, as when taking a bath. I could well run out of hot water; lan’ sakes. In and out within 90 seconds is my rule.
But it doesn’t pay to antagonise surgeons. They’ve got sharp knives, even saws. Guess I’d better conform.
Hope all goes well with your latest op. I'm sure you'll be all sparkling clean when you get there. Take care, Roderick.
ReplyDeleteWhen is this latest op happening?
ReplyDelete"But hist" "wot not of" "lan' sake" - all so wonderful. I think I have heard the expression "lan' sake" here in the States as "for land's sake" or even "Land's sake, alive!" The lengths people will go to in order to avoid swearing, or taking their God's name in vain. My young grandson has started saying "Dang it!" which I blame on his having been born in Florida.
DeleteColette: "Lan' sake" (actually "Land's sake", as you say) originated in the US anyway. As far as I can remember it is widely and colloquially used by the black servant woman in Gone With The Wind. Her dialogue is peppered with some of the most memorable lines in the movie - acceptable then but none of which I dare reproduce here for fear of appearing racist.
Delete"Wot" is Old English and is broadly defined as "to know", though in this context it would be, more precisely, "to be familiar with". Shakespeare uses it a lot.
"Hist" (now very obsolete) could be broadly understood as "Just listen to that".
You may wonder why I employ such obscure words in my blog. The fact is I am surrounded in Blogland (especially US Blogland) by people who are better educated, since I left school for good aged 15. Perhaps "more lengthily educated" might be more accurate. I use such words to keep my end up. Does spraying them around make me more popular? Not on your Nellie (and there's another one for you to look up).
The op is next Thursday. I did discover yesterday it's regarded as "major" and will last at least four hours.
You could potentially deflate your grandson by telling him "Dang me" tends to be used only by very old people. Certainly in my experience.
I am consistently reminded of the surgeons as I re-pursue my erstwhile hobby of scale model making. I use a Swan Moreton scalpel for cutting the plastic bits off the sprues, standard issue to surgeons I believe, but, the blades I use are labelled "unsterilised."
ReplyDeleteSir Hugh: Whatever happened to Xacto?
DeleteHope all goes well. I'm a great one for worrying beforehand in spite of knowing that I'll be out cold and know nothing about it. 'Gum and sweets', what strange orders, why not say 'do not eat after...'
ReplyDeleteGarden: I pretend I'm still working as hack, asking lots of questions. Most recently: Isn't there a more technoid name for blood thinners? Answer: anti-coagulants. For which I kicked myself since I already knew that, just couldn't call it up. Recently I used "subclavian" in identifying the location of a clot; felt inordinately proud. Promoted myself to Patient. 2nd Class.
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