Subsequent to previous post, Avus asked for written examples that suggest my writing has improved during the last 60 years..
Intermittent diary, Bingley office, Bradford and District Newspapers. Aged 18 -20.
● Journalism is a badly organised business. A good deal of the day I sit in idleness, yet am often working until 10 at night. If I tell this to a non-journalist, he or she says “Ah, but you enjoy your job.”
Do I? Doesn’t anybody else like theirs?
Faults: “business” is unnecessary. “am working” is ugly. Second sentence could be reduced by half. Ending with personal pronoun is flabby
● Calling on Mrs X for a par (ie, info for short news story) I perceived the light of triumph in her eyes. Apparently Y (the X’s bean-pole daughter) had seen me at the local cinema with M (my first ever girl-friend). Mrs X’s attitude seemed to be that she had scored a personal triumph over me. While the light was still in Mrs X’s eyes, Y came in and took up the assault. I could say nothing and had to leave the house seething with rage.
The Xs are typical Bingley Methodists and constitute a good deal of the reason why Bingley, its environs and its inhabitants, get me down. I shall always remember them by the following words of Mrs X, referring to a Methodist minister who, with an invalid wife and a speech impediment, had given his life to Methodism (I think) and had fallen ill.
Mrs X’s comment was that he (the minister) had been lying ill for some months now and while they were not getting anything out of him they were still having to pay him.
Faults. “triumph” is repeated, weakening a good anecdote.. Difficult for reader to make out what “took up the assault” means. Grates my teeth: “by the following words of”. Very windy passage: “… and constitute a good deal, etc, etc…”
● On Weds, Thurs, Friday and Sat mornings I have been to the doctor about an enormous boil on my thigh and I have been having to make up time (ie, visiting regular news sources) afterwards. I became detached about the boil and apart from the pain I watched everything that went on. The latter three mornings I received penicillin injections, one by Leslie, two by Mitchell. Leslie slides the needle into my arm gently while M. drops it in and, if it bounces, drops it again.
Faults: Clumsy list to begin with. I’m ashamed of “have been having” - suggesting I never read what I’d written. “Detached” is poorly chosen, thus “apart from the pain” becomes vague. I am, however, quite proud of the final sentence.
I have looked back at some of my own early blog posts and cringed. The trouble with the blog is that those posts have gone into the public domain and whilst corrections can be made it is now too late for that. Even revising this I have gone back and eliminated a couple of adjectives and a"very." That wretched word seems to pop up of its own accord and in order to subdue it needs severe admonishment.
ReplyDeleteSir Hugh: Two recommendations and a suggestion:
ReplyDeleteMake use of the punitive future tense: tell yourself before you click on "update" that the post will go into the public domain and your inadequacy will be heralded. Not after.
Always remind yourself that "very" can be replaced by "damned". It doesn't mean anything but I've remembered it for over sixty years since someone at the Telegraph mentioned it.
Consider this: if words pop up of their own accord in your blog perhaps you should change your byline:
Sir Hugh and his out-of-control subconscious
Again it doesn't mean anything but it may cause the principle to stick.
Thanks for those, RR. The ancient you is a hard critic of your younger self. You were just emerging from your chrysalis as a journalist and it is much better than the "Diary of Adrian Molesworth"
ReplyDeleteAvus: I was writing for myself. Had the stuff been for publication in the newspaper the sub-editors would have been far more savage. On the other hand, I'd have taken more care. At the central office where the subs operate, the main reporters room is immediately adjacent and those who write are thus vulnerable to "instruction via humiliation". Subs would read out errors in a loud cruel voice which was painful to watch. Inhumane, yes. Effective, yes also.
ReplyDelete